Ways not to make mayo, period!

I wasn't sure whether or not to believe Fred a few months ago when he told me that at certain times of the month, I simply wouldn't be capable of making mayonnaise. It's an old, French saying, he added, des contes de bonnes femmes. Maybe I should have marked his words.



The German shows the English and the French a thing or two about making mayonnaise. Click on the photo to enlarge

Rewind to Christmas Eve 2004. I was slaving away in the kitchen preparing for our Christmas Feast. Our neighbour, J, and one of our very favourite friends, Hans, (they met at my Red Hot and Pink Birthday Party back in June) came up to help. They arrived when I was trying to make mayonnaise. I was using my new kitchen Aid and I was certain it would be a breeze. Fred insisted I use a French recipe, but mon Francais c'est pas bien, so I chose to follow one by Delia Smith , the matriarch of Modern-Day British TV Chefs, instead. I didn't precisely follow her recipe, because I had slighty different mustard and oil. I thought I just needed guidance on the method. Everything seemed to be going well, and my mayonnaise started thickening well. Fred came over to see what I was doing. He started giving me advice. I tried to resist his demands that I should pour the oil in faster, until I lost my temper, did as he instructed and consequently spoilt my mayonnaise.

See, he said, I told you, Femme qui a ses regles rate sa mayonnaise. (Pah! I thought.) Fred continued to try and show me how I should have done it. He chose olive oil and Amora mustard. He whisked it by hand. The result of his efforts was almost as pathetic as mine. The olive oil was too strong and the mayo was too runny. Reject number two.

Enter Hans, the German... Hans knuckled down and quickly made perfect mayonnaise. Hand whisked, correct texture, he even managed to educate Fred in the art of separating of eggs. The mayonnaise was intended to accompany some fresh crab on our Christmas Dinner. The poor little blighters, who I cruelly dumped in boiling water whilst they were still alive, will be immortalized in another post, on another day!